Ok peeps I’m sincerely scared about this entry. Why? Because it addresses something that scares the snot outta me (especially sharing publicly) – Heartache. I feel like a dog being force fed pills right now just thinking about actually sharing the idea that not too long ago I found my ticker a lil’ weepy. In this place a Phil Collins, Fleetwood Mac or Sinead O’Connor song would have sent me into a tailspin that ended with me in the fetal with Netflix rockin’ Renee Zellweger flicks one after another. I know, right now I’m a little girly-man. The comfortable Kenny would highly prefer anonymity. Pimp Kenny is about to pimp slap girly-man Kenny. (PS – these two have long been at odds – more on that at another time.)
But yo, this project (website) is about adding to the joy of the world. To me that means being uncomfortable, gettin’ real and opening up about matters of many things, including the heart. Love to me can be a little bit like boxing. It starts with a stare down, take your shirts off – or silky robes, go to your corner, meet in the middle, dance a lil’, let the other person know you belong in the ring, demonstrate that you’re bad, not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good (unless you want it bad….), try and kiss your opponent with a jab, defend yourself early and try not to get hurt. The rounds go on you are still in it. Time wears on, you get tired, maybe even beat down, go to your corner catch some breath and start to wonder, “Why am I doing this?” Positive self talk comes back, “I got this….” And then the moment comes. You get popped with an emotional cross. BOOM! At this exact moment of time one of two things happen – you get knocked out, or you don’t and every sense of your being is more awake and alert than ever – you’re consciousness is literally elevated. Those reading this that have been hit physically and or emotionally know exactly what I’m talking about. One of my favorite quotes from the fight world, “Everybody’s got a plan til’ ya get hit.”
At 42, I’ve had a lot of plans and I’ve been hit, a lot. As great fighters and martial artists will agree, getting hit brings value and presence to the moment in the purest of ways. These are the moments when we are most true, beautiful, ugly, invincible, vulnerable, strong and weak all at once. These are also the “gateway moments,” – times that we can learn the important stuff about self.
This time around getting stung and feeling legitimate pain woke me up in a profound way. For the last three years I’ve been so myopically focused on learning how to be a dad, and work that I neglected significant aspects of my life. Slowly, I lost confidence in my ability as man, as a human to be present to the concept of partnership – let alone a real one. Getting hit has been a gift (always is) because I’m just now realizing that my heart and mind are both open – a synchronicity extremely rare in the KK space time continuum. Here’s to takin’ a beat down.
To be continued…